We are awesome
Yet we often don’t live from a place that embodies this knowledge. So how do we experience our own perfection?
Often when we are very stimulated by something we tend to see the other person as an abstract thought, rather than a living person making a choice based on their needs. Adhering to the consciousness described below deepens our connection to life even during an argument.
When we speak from the “I” place
When we recognize that what we experience is happening inside of us, we take responsibility for our experience. This claiming of our internal space gets us in touch with our aliveness both joyful and sorrowful. It’s a form of boundary setting for ourselves. It’s like saying “this is how my life unfolds”. Holding on to this aliveness not only brings us the joy of our own life flow, but it also frees the other person to experience their own life flow. To stay in the “I”, requires being able to tolerate our own inner world and focus on witnessing it. Even if another person stimulated our experience we have to let go of judgments and evaluations for the moment.
When we step into the space of acceptance
When we let go of evaluations of the other person or ourselves, we allow empathy to emerge. Empathy starts with accepting our thoughts, feelings, and needs. We become curious about them. This is a good thing, as we often don’t stop to consider if we should believe our thoughts. Some of our beliefs are old and no longer apply, and some are a belief in an ideology that may be erroneous. This journey into meeting our deeper knowing is a lot like unwrapping a gift. The gift is being authentically in our life flow.
When we open up to curiosity
Acceptance also opens the door to curiosity about the other person’s internal world, as well as our own. We start the process by exploring the qualities of the unfolding needs inside us. We acknowledge the beauty we experience when this need is met. Because the language we grew up with keeps us focused on strategies to meet our needs and not the qualities of these needs, shifting from strategy to curiosity may not feel safe. The first thought that arises may be “but what if the need is not met?”. Yet in this vulnerability is where the gift of connection resides.
Holding everyone’s needs with care during a conflict
We learn very young that only one person will end up with their need met during a conflict. We learn that one person wins and one loses, and that the person who wins does so by proving that they are right.
In reality, LIFE is one and we are most aware of the longing to experience this unity in our intimate relationships. When we hold all life with care, ours and others, we move into a larger place where there is the possibility of everyone’s needs being met and at the very least cherished.
Making a request versus a demand
We sometimes think that we found the perfect solution, and we become attached to our strategy. However, this approach does not give the other or us another choice. When we honor choice we simultaneously give the other person choice and also acknowledge our own resourcefulness. We will be ok if the need is met in another way. We acknowledge that the other person is in charge of their life journey and happiness, and that we have enough resources for ours.
Practicing in a Community
While all this may seem simple to understand, it’s a little bit like when I learned to swim. I learned how to turn my head to breath, how to move my arms and legs but the problem was putting it all together. It’s the same challenge in relationships. We might know what we want, but the difficult part is engaging each others needs harmoniously and continuously to create a life supporting flow. With time and practice applying all these concepts becomes an embodied experience and a consciousness one lives.
Living with joy and feeling grounded does not mean denying life’s challenges but rather meeting life in a deeper place, where the challenges are welcomed, embraced, and lived fully.