The Need to Be Heard

Being heard and seen can only happen in a safe space in which care and consideration is a given. When there is fighting, demanding, or blaming the safe space disappears, and with it the possibility to be heard, seen, and valued. I have witnessed this pattern between the partners in a couple and also between parents and adult children.

Various teachings say that every thing that is created first starts as a thought, and it’s so very true in conflicts. When thoughts create a narrative that our needs will never be met, we don’t matter, or that something is wrong with the partner or parent conflicts only escalate. Agitation, fights, avoidance is an energy pattern to move away from what we believe may harm our life, but distancing does not lead to connection or a lessening of the discomfort.

The road to connection starts with creating a space where it’s possible to be heard. It starts with one party choosing to listen first. Listening not to reply or even to understand but to hold space. The intention is to let our partner know: “I am here with you”. This immediately creates a new experience. It shifts from adversarial to inhabiting the same psychological space. It is a deeply ingrained memory that we are safest when someone joins us in our experience. We are alive because our moms chose to share in our experiences since the moment we were born. We are alive because we were heard and seen.